Death of a Striker

Saturday 1st February, 15:00

Dearly Beloved,

We stand here today in Crosby, at the full time of a game between Northern Men’s 1s and Didsbury Northern Men’s 4s to honour the passing of Grim, who died ‘on his arse’ on this very hockey pitch just a few short minutes ago. This tragic demise marks the end of once glittering career.

RIP Grim. The man, the myth, the legend, the enigma. How we loved him.

He was never one to do anything by halves, especially pints. For the better part of two decades he was an irresistible force for the Oak. Regularly terrorising defences and clubhouse bars all over the North West with his insatiable desire to consume all before him.

Spare a thought for the loved one’s he has left behind… there won’t be a dry eye behind any of the bars or curry houses along Burton Road this evening. He will be truly missed.

It was agonising to watch. Once the goals had flowed as freely as the post-match beers, but today there was nothing except a missed stroke, a drag flick that whistled past the post and a first touch so awful it went further than most players can hit it. He even kicked in Freddie’s goal and peppered the keeper’s pads with chances that were harder to miss than to score.

Some say Grim unleashed a curse when he recently passed Darlo’s tally of 1000 training goals and that it brought about his sudden end, all we know is that he faded away into nothingness, bloated and jaundiced… much like after that infamous #necknominate video all those years ago.

We shall now pass to footage from Didsbury, where the locals have gathered together to lament the loss of their hero… RIP Grim

FINAL SCORE: Northern 1 - 3 Didsbury Northern

Goals:
Freddie x 1
Robin x 1
Andy D x 1

MoM: Mini - so good we didn’t miss Spence

DoD: Grim - died an agonising death