DNHC M3 Vs Wilmslow

Building from the unparalleled success* of last year’s promotion**, the mighty 3s looked to continue their preseason form into the first league game of the 2019/20 season. Wile arguments raged a thousand miles away in Westminster, the only argument the men of DNHC 3rds had was with Wilmslow - a name etched into the fibre of DNHC 3s ever since the ‘Great Humiliation’ of 2019. Many of the squad had bad memories about the shocking scoreline of the last time we crossed swords with this local rival (we got shafted 11-1 [but as Darlo always points out ‘we were the better team for the first 20 minutes’ {tell that to last season’s captain and centre back who still cries himself to sleep thinking about Nick Lowden}]). Clearly, revenge was there for the taking.

A beautiful morning. Sun shining, a gentle breeze to fill the lungs of any midfielder. Unfortunately the rapidly moving lungs of Geraint Thomas and the other 100 competitors of the Tour of Britain stood between our car and our playing surface. After watching them rapidly cross our path, and arriving at the pitch with only 10 minutes to spare, the game could begin. ***

After a Darlo-led warmup which involved a lot of sideways-movement to enable staring at a lacrosse field, the game commenced. The opposition seemed quite determined to play half court and only attempt any hockey when we gave them the ball back. Thankfully for them, we did that twice... and they scored twice. Once again, the same as last season, a promising start against Wilmslow led to us going 2-0 down. Frustratingly, once again it was two breakaway goals from their Hobbit up front - a man who’s lack of vertical distance from the Astro would be rivalled only by the Harper:Kwan conspiracy.

Half time came and went with a solid team talk from the pretend captain (who never comes to training and arrives at games without balls, bibs, medical shit or even a clipboard). A higher press in the second half saw us maintain even more possession, and yet still we couldn’t find the backboard.

Unfortunately, our midfield screen-protector JAshton forgot which sport he was playing and (having left his hearing aid in his bag) mistook the shitty lacrosse official (ref.? ump.? judge?)’s noise for a hockey umpire’s whistle. He left a straight one, and Wilmslow Baggins struck. 3-0 to the tangerine bad guys.

Despite me trying to get the home umpire on side with a (remarkably) friendly chat, and having my mum and dog watching on the sidelines, we succumbed to a 3-0 defeat. However, the spirit of the 3s will not be quenched. Onwards and forever upwards doth we march, towards Southport next weekend, and, indeed, beyond.

Unanswered questions remain about the legality of the tactical voting in the Joker nominations, but no one likes a sore looser.****

*success is in the eye of the beholder
**promotion = league restructure or great captaincy - you decide
***sorry my bad, the tour of Britain debacle was the weekend before actually. Was quite happy with that paragraph though so shame to delete it.
****genuinely how didn’t JAshton get Joker for that appalling piece of hearing?