A Tale of Two Shitties...

“I’m safe… Mini is in the team!” said Spence the night before the game. It was an ambitious boast when faced with the prospect of getting DoD for bringing his parents to watch. He had proven the previous week that he despite being a PhD student he couldn’t count to 11… and with that kind of stupidity comes fearlessness. He was right not to be afraid, as unbeknownst to him, the next day he would witness something so ’special’ it wouldn’t have looked out of place licking a minibus window all the way back to Manchester.

The day began in standard fashion, with the lads all stood outside The Northern waiting for Paul to turn up. He was 20 minutes late again, grumbling about trams and other stuff. Nobody was really listening, they were all wondering why the man that gets woken up by a newborn at O’Christ hundred every morning can’t get to an 11:30 meet on time.

The road trip to the Lake District was long an uneventful, until we had almost arrived. Robin over shot the turn for the the leisure centre and had to turn back as Paul laughed at him. Approaching it again, Paul furthered his claims for joker insisting it was the turn afterwards and we missed the leisure centre for a 2nd time. At the 3rd attempt we arrived and headed for the changing rooms.

The captain played the pre-recorded in-flight video of the team talk that has been doing the rounds for the past few seasons now, not that it mattered… nobody was listening anyway.

The game started and Didsbury were straight on the attack, making several early chances near the keeper. However, he was at the top of his game and made some sharp saves to keep the 4s from scoring.

Great teams quickly assess a situation and change approach if things aren’t working… we just kept hammering away. Persistence paid off and Didsbury took the lead on 5 minutes as Grim squeezed a ball through the keeper’s legs after a ball into the D from Robin… 0-1.

Then came the longest succession of short corners in the history of hockey. We learned last week that PhD student Spence can’t count to 11, but Paul is only doing his Masters and he can’t count at all. With the option of two castles to aim for the ball came out to the wrong one on 6 successive occasions. You almost have to admire that level of consistency.

The attack was relentless. It was like the battle of Helm’s Deep. On 20 minutes, tired and broken the South Lakes keeper was beaten having made at least 15 saves in a single passage of play that can only be described as ‘pinball’. Freddie tucked in a reverse stick shot from close range to finally beat him… 0-2

And then something magical happened… collectively the 4s decided to avoid winning short corners at all costs, as they were quite simply embarrasing.

A decent ball up the left from Paul led to the fabled ‘Dutch‘ ball… the one we’ve only ever heard mentioned at training and even then only at a whisper… with Dunny passing back to Oli who slotted the ball into the corner of the goal… 0-3.

Half time came and went, some stuff was said about what to do in the final third… but mainly the guys ate Haribo and stared into middle distance wondering why the skipper hadn’t got us a fun bus this time around.

Early in the 2nd half Robin subbed back on, seemingly injuring himself in the process of running back onto the field, mimicking a move perfected by Dave Harper years ago. Later in the day it became clear why the Adonis of the 4th team had broken down. He had foolishly decided to try to be vegan for a month. Without his usual breakfast of 14 chickens his rippling muscles were simply useless.

Things got a bit weird at this point… Dunny got all goal hungry and buggered off up front. Mini then started subbing the defenders off and playing at the back. Buoyed by our strange decision making South Lakes briefly played some decent hockey and Didsbury were pinned back in our own half. Cross words were had, notably Paul telling guys off for forcing the ball unnecessarily.

The ball broke to Paul and he forced it unnecessarily up the line when the option wasn’t on, surely securing DoD in the process. Thankfully the ball deflected to Oli who squared a good pass to Dunny to tap in from close range… 0-4.

As the DoD writes the Match Report there is seldom any mention of why they earned the award. It suddenly became clear that Paul was going to get away with all of it… unless somebody stepped forward and did something so epically shit that it could surpass him.

’Hold my beer’ said Grim and promptly ran into the opposition D. Receiving the ball with his back to goal the skipper flicked it off his reverse side and it rose majestically… the ball soared. It cleared the keeper, then his cross bar. The back fence was no obsticle, it sailed over that as well. The dog walkers on the path behind were not troubled by the ball either. It finally came to rest in a field of sheep some distance away.

When the laughter finally died down, Didsbury re-grouped and proceeded to dominate the final 20 minutes.

A ball from Dunny saw Grim lead out to the left of the D and receive the ball, looking for a fellow forward to post up on the baseline. There wasn’t one, but somehow Fynny had made it all the way there from inside forward. His first touch drew the defender and the goalkeeper and the second bypassed them both, returning the ball to Grim who had made a diagonal run to and could now tap the ball into the unguarded net. The whole move resembled proper hockey and was a million miles away from the ‘sheep worrying’ that had preceded it… 0-5.

Gaining in confidence Fynny pressed forward eager to add to his first goal for the 4s the previous week. In his enthusiasm numerous ‘Dranny twirls’ were witnessed and in true Dranny style they all failed.

Into the last 5 minutes and with the game won, Didsbury could have sat back but instead everyone wanted to get some lovely goal pie…. most of all the captain, who was on hat-trick avoidance. A slick ball up the wing from Freddie was pulled back from the right by Oli and Grim was already in the middle winding up to shoot when out of nowhere ‘go-go gadget arm’… a late break to the top of the D saw Fynny pounce on the ball and sweep it past the keeper and into the side netting from just beyond the p-spot… 0-6.

With moments left a short corner was awarded to Didsbury. We stepped up to take it with minimal enthusiasm. The final whistle blew and everybody pilled up front. Somehow a drag flick from Grim beat the keeper. It was average at best… 0-7.

As we walked victorious from the pitch we couldn’t help but laugh at the solitary junior from the opposition, stood in a sheep field using his hockey stick like a strimmer… searching in vain for a lost match ball.

The Men’s 4s remain top of the league having not dropped a point yet this season.

Grim is marginally shitter than Paul.

FINAL SCORE: South Lakes 2s 0-7 Didsbury Northern 4s

MoM: Grim - goal pie
DoD: Grim - clear sky
Honourable Mention: Paul Atherton - everything else

*Disclaimer: no sheep were hurt during the writing of this match report